Am I missing the point?

Before I forget:

That was an interesting article, unlike what’s to follow. Sorry!
Am I missing the point? For 6weeks now [I was just reminded; it alternately was longer or shorter than that in my head], I haven’t felt something I used to just a while back. The anxiety that I was missing something, in life, specifically as a direct result of my outright subconscious refusal to feel. That’s right; I can’t feel. I don’t want to elaborate on this. Point is I can’t feel anything other than general mild amusement, quick temper-spells, and a cuddy incessant aftertaste of cynicism/skepticism most of the time. I really don’t remember sitting down feeling sad…at least not in the past 5 3 years. Either everything’s going pretty much according to plan OR something’s screwed up and I’m busy fixing it.

I LOVE fixing problems. I think that’s when I come alive. It doesn’t help that my liberal nature defines too few issues as real problems and my [IMHO] mostly efficient pathfinder method for problem-solving [which also doesn’t really allow for POWs in a sense; all or nothing] is a bit too efficient, and when I think there’s a problem, I’ll do something immediate, and possibly reckless and drastic to fix it, even and esp if it requires [what I perceive as] sacrifice on [only] my part. Maybe people are right, and I AM a perfectionist to the extent of being a control freak….I realise I can be manipulative at times. Note to self: don’t be such a bastard. Stikkit joins million others on noticeboard. It’s not working; it never did. I can’t feel a thing.

And because I deal with problems as and when they appear [or finally concretely looks like a problem] and fix them immediately, I forget what it was like when they were around and how they originated so I can pre-emptively set up barriers against reruns. And just like I don’t remember problems, I don’t remember anything else, except facts, and stuff I read [which may border in the domain of trivia] or stuff I think and write about. I don’t have memories, and I know I’m expected to have at least a few more than I do now to qualify as a NORMAL human being. :S and no this is NOT ego at work. I was told recently that you have to have a really high self esteem to think you suck the most. Uhhhh, I call bullshit!

Maybe it’s Lenz’s law at work; but I hate change and yet I have proven to myself and a few others that I can be extremely adaptable. So if I’m always doing new stuff for experience, but at the same time, looking [out] for anything else, then I’m not really savouring the current sensations and that’s really hurting right now. I’ve all but forgotten about most of what I did [and thought was fun] in NS, save for a few clips here and there. I want to remember! At least for nostalgia’s sake, and I have nothing to start with šŸ˜¦

I need a new muse šŸ˜¦ and I need to start mugging like I meant it. I need to start remembering stuff, however mundane. Amd for that I gotta start enjoying whatever I’m doing when I’m doing it. Affirmation set.


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