• God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends â…

• God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

• My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

• I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We’re OK Now

• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

• What If the Hokey Pokey IS Really What It’s All About?

• Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

• Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food

• Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

• Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law

• If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

• First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed

• In Dog Years, I’m Dead

• Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

• If at First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t for You

• I’m Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

• Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

• A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night

• First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

• Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

• In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You
Take

• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

• God must love stupid people…He made SO many.

• God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

• 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an
amusement park.

• EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.

• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

• Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

• Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something
like that

• Stop repeat offenders. Don’t reelect them!

• A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

• When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

• Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

• I don’t have a license to kill, but I do have a learner’s permit.

• He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

• I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

• Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

• If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.

• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

• The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

• After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who
can’t.

• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

• In case of fire, yell “FIRE”!

• He who hesitates is constipated.

• Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

• Smile! It makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.

• Reality is for people who can’t face science fiction.

• Friction is a drag.

• Blame Saint Andreas – It’s all his fault.

• I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your
right to tell such LIES!

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• Atheism is a non-prophit organization.

• Alex Haley was adopted!

• If I want your opinion, I’l give it to you.

• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

• Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.

• He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.

• While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your
own form of misery.

• Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.

• Prunes give you a run for your money.

• Drilling for oil is boring.

• Old frogs never die, but they do croak!

• I intend to leave this world the way I came in.
Naked, screaming and covered in blood.

• LOVE: Two vowels, two cosonants, two fools.

• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

• The sex was so good, the neighbors had a cigarette.

• If you smoke after sex, your doing it to fast.

• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

• We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

• Born free…taxed to death.

• The more people I meet the more I like my dog.

• Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

• A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen
hammer.

• There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

• Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

• Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

• If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

• You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

From my old blog [which I'm reading now out of boredom and it's not helping!]